guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
