I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
