Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
