the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
