Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think pants incapable of making pants work
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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