I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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