I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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