im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
