I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
