Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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