im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
