Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
