I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
