We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
