I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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