The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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