I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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