New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
