Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
