i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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