What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
