I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
