Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Randomize
