I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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