for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
