she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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