Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
