hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
