The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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