I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
