i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
