nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
