I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
