I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
