This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
