One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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