May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
