I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
