im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
