i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
