My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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