my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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