How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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