Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Randomize
