At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
how does that bad decision feel?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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