I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
