Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Who did Billy Mays play for?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
