The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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