Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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