all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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