so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
