pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
