How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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