Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
