My liver just broke up with me...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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